“Its over…I want to break up”…the words kept ringing in my head but my brain couldn’t seem to comprehend them. A three years relationship had ended with two words…
It was a death of sort…. death of our relationship. She took my breath and left a living corpse. My subconscious plotted against me, I would plan to go one place but always end up on her doorstep. The hardest part of a break up is the habits you make as a couple. One day everything changes and you have to forget those habits without a second thought. I pick up her favourite chocolate every time I enter a petrol station. I use the shampoo she gave that smells like lavender. I add chilli flakes to everything because she likes her food spicy. These little habits are reminders that make my stomach churn with emptiness. I no longer drop her home knowing she is safe. I no longer hold her waist telling those prying eyes she’s mine. I no longer get to feed her fries while she is busy putting her make up on. I no longer get to surprise her with favourite cupcake. I no longer get to stroke her hair while she chatters away eventually falling asleep in my lap.
I drowned my sorrows in alcohol, every woman that looks my way I search for the twinkle that she had. I was not okay. I wanted her. I needed her but it destroyed me knowing she didn’t need me at all. I wholeheartedly believed she was my present and my future but I was wrong.
Yesterday I wasn’t sure if I could survive through today. There were many moments where I wanted to drop everything and cry but the little solider in me wasn’t going down without a fight. Every day we are given a new day to live, with each day we are also given the strength to get through it. Sometimes the only way out, is through hard times, no matter how much you wish otherwise. So we just have to accept life will suck sometimes and move on because that’s when we’ll find the good times along the way.
The hardest parts of breakups are the habits you create as a couple. One day they pick up their things and leave your life whilst you are forced to adjust. I think moving on is just a word for falling out of those habits and creating new ones for yourself. She was a part of my past that is dear to me but she does not define what love is or what love can be.